The question About a year and a half ago, I met a man and slowly we became close friends.
We are both in our early 40s, and have sole custody of our young children. Our similar values and interests bonded us.
He told me early on that he has a solitary nature and a dislike of social situations. He hates noisy places and has a tendency to get engrossed in his hobbies. He also doesn’t like people touching him and can be very cold and unresponsive, depending on the situation.
Several weeks ago, we both acknowledged that our feelings had evolved, and I can see that he is making a big effort to spend time with me and message me regularly, even when he feels like being on his own. I am very careful how I speak to him and try hard not to overwhelm him physically.
He is loving and affectionate behind closed doors, although it does take a while for him to touch me when we’re together. Once we get past that initial touch, everything is wonderful. Because of logistical issues, such evenings can only happen about once a month.
My unhappiness lies in the moments we spend together in the outside world. I love his company and, although he is kind and attentive, he doesn’t come near me. I would like to hold his hand or be able to stroke his cheek from time to time, but I sense that I would be crossing a line. This has left me feeling unhappy as we don’t see much of one another, and I want to feel close to him. I have never brought it up because I fear that he might take a step back. It has taken a long time for him to trust me and I would be devastated if it were all to unravel. I love him deeply.
Philippa’s answer We emerge out of our childhoods having had unique and different formative experiences. Some of us felt smothered and it left us with a fear of being swallowed up by others, and we need alone time and separateness so that we don’t lose ourselves. Others experienced the opposite of smothering and felt ignored, leaving us longing for touch and for demonstrative affection. It sounds like one of the emotions you are familiar with is longing and maybe what is familiar to him is a fear of merging and losing himself. So, you’ll each give different meanings to holding hands in public, or even being close and intimate in private. Like all things relational, this could probably do with being understood and talked about – but you are scared to do this in case you push him away.
There is a possibility you may have even been attracted to this man because he was withholding. If you had a parent who didn’t give you as much affection as you longed for it’s like your body has unfinished business and you may be unconsciously seeking out partners who have a similar vibe. In this way you can at last get a withholder to give and, in doing so, mend that childhood wound. When you do get together it feels as good as it does partly because at last your longing is satiated. But then his withholding triggers your longing once more. I wonder – what if he was all over you and you could take that for granted, would you find him as attractive a proposition as you do?
There is nothing wrong with either of you. It may be your formative experiences of infancy and childhood mean different things make each of you more and less comfortable, and these are at odds. But if you could talk about them together, you might not feel so bad about not having your hand held if you understood that it means different things to each of you. It sounds like you have each got some work to do about understanding each other.
You can talk about it by being curious about yourself, and curious about him without being critical and without being demanding or having expectation for change. If examining your relationship in this way just seems too hard, I suggest you talk about talking about it as a preliminary to actually doing it.
You sound sensitive to his needs for space and I’m sure he appreciates that, as you appreciate that he is making an effort in your direction, too. But bearing in mind your separate wants and needs, how compatible are they? How much can he stand? How much can you stand? And will the relationship become more about what you can each tolerate or how much you love each other? The impression I get from your email is that it sounds like the latter as I think if you both aim for understanding rather than changing, there is a good chance this will work out.
Suggested reading: Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.
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Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to ask.philippa@observer.co.uk. Philippa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry (Penguin Books Ltd, £10.99). To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
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How to Stay Sane by Philippa Perry & The School of Life (Pan Macmillan, £9.99). To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.