Baldur’s Gate 3’s gigantic new patch is for the shorties

Baldur’s Gate 3’s first official patch is apparently so large its patch notes exceed Steam’s character limit. The patch, out now, addresses “over 1,000 bugs, balancing, flow issues and much, much more.” You can read the full but spoiler-heavy patch notes here, while BG3’s Steam page has a truncated but redacted version of the notes here.

The most prominent fix in the patch deals with height issues that arise when short-statured characters like halflings and gnomes try to romance a taller race.

“We’re bringing back Short King Summer with better kissing contact for short races!” Listen, that’s developer Larian’s words, not mine. They could have been mine, but they’re not.

As with any lists of patch notes, there are the ones that are hilarious both in and out of context:

Fixed bug that made it possible to break up with Astarion without meaning to.
Art Cullagh and Fist J’ehlar no longer get so scared of bears and spiders that their quest breaks.
During Gale’s spell-teaching scene, you now have the option to picture a future with Gale that falls somewhere in between kissing him and kicking him in the head.

That last one I actually appreciate. The way my sorcerer and Gale were weaving with The Weave was one of the most intimate things I’ve ever seen in a video game, and it had absolutely nothing to do with sex or romance. The moment was just so personal and so well-crafted. Gale’s performance was incredible — much is made about some of Astarion’s delivery, but Gale is right up there. The way he sounded as he showed me why he loves magic the way he does, with his low, serious, but oh-so-gentle voice, affected me so severely that I briefly considered giving up my romantic quest for Karlach. In the end, I remained firm and turned him down. But I wished I could have had the option to say something that better respected the platonic intimacy of the moment than “sorry, go sleep on the couch, buddy.” Glad I’ll get that chance in my next playthrough.

These patch notes also make me appreciate how Larian treats sex. Baldur’s Gate 3 approaches sex in a way few video games that feature it do. Not only is sex in BG3 romantic, reflecting the important intimacy we as humans attach to the act, but it is also, at times, totally irreverent — sometimes we bone simply because we’re horny. And while Baldur’s Gate 3 frequently makes jokes around sex, it still treats the act with the gravity it deserves despite the fact that sex as a physical act is inherently silly — especially where fantasy races are involved.

“You can now opt to respect the privacy of the bugbear and the ogre outside the Blighted Village again. Don’t get in the way of real love.”