What to do when someone gives you a gift you don’t really want

By Taylor Nicioli | CNN

When Abby Eckel saw the small jewelry gift bag her husband gave her for her birthday, she thought she knew exactly what was inside — a ring with a morganite gemstone that she had requested. But when Eckel opened the package and saw a necklace instead, she couldn’t hide her disappointment.

“It was like this inner turmoil and conversation I was having with myself of like, do I say something? Or should I just be happy with what I received?” Eckel recalled.

Eckel knew she wouldn’t wear the necklace since she has specific preferences about her jewelry. But now her husband had given her something she didn’t love, and she felt guilty for being disappointed.

For many people, this disappointment — followed by guilt — is natural after receiving a gift that just doesn’t feel like you. It could be that annual sweater from your parents that isn’t in your size, a T-shirt with a band logo on it that you loved as a teen (but not anymore), or a piece of silver jewelry when you only ever wear gold.

The gift is left taking up storage space and collecting dust because you don’t have the heart to get rid of it. And you might be left feeling like your loved ones don’t listen to what you want.

What to do if you receive a gift you don’t love

When Eckel received the necklace from her husband, she mostly felt confused — why had he given her the necklace instead of the ring she wanted? She no longer recalls why he didn’t get the ring, but she does remember the conversation she decided to have with him.

“I told him, ‘I don’t want to seem spoiled or ungrateful. But I do also want to understand your thought process behind this,’ and we talked through it, and I felt better,” Eckel said. “And he felt better that I told him. He was like, ‘I don’t want you getting upset about this, and me having no idea as to why.’”

Eckel then felt OK returning the necklace to use the money elsewhere, she said.

Having that conversation can be helpful in alleviating those feelings of disappointment and guilt, said Mielad Owraghi, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Loma Linda University Behavioral Medicine Center in Redlands, California.

“It’s important to just find appreciation and gratefulness in the gift itself,” Owraghi said. “But if you feel like you’re not getting the gifts that you’re desiring, then maybe you need to communicate with that person a little bit more, so they understand what to get you.”

Asking questions to understand why the gift giver chose that present can help the gift receiver understand the thought that went into it, said Suzanne Degges-White, a licensed counselor and professor and chair of Northern Illinois University’s department of counseling and higher education in DeKalb, Illinois.

“Gifts tell us how we think people see us, how we think people perceive our relationship,” she said. “And with romantic partners a lot of times, especially in the early stages, we want the gift to be symbolic of how much someone cares about us.”

It’s important to have honest conversations with those with whom you have a long-term relationship to establish what types of gifts you do and don’t like, especially so the pattern doesn’t repeat itself the next holiday season, Degges-White said. But if the person is not a romantic partner or close friend or family member, keeping quiet and remembering the gift giver’s good intentions may be the best way to go, she said.

“If someone’s lovingly chosen something for you that you find just so horrendous, we do feel bad, because we don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, especially people we care about,” she said. Sometimes, putting on that sweater you would never wear to humor that person, “you’re giving them a gift, by finding pleasure in the gift they gave you.”

It’s the thought that counts