Listen, before we embark on the journey of first-time sex, it’s important to understand that there is no “right” or “normal” time or type of relationship for this experience. It’s subjective and unique to each individual.
Everyone has different desires, relationships, and feelings about sex. What it looks like for you should be as unique as you are. You are in control of this adventure and only you can decide when you’re ready to have sex for the first time.
If you’re ready to begin your sexual journey, Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, suggests broadening our definition of “sex.” It doesn’t have to be limited to penetrative intercourse. “Instead, explore what you personally define as real and good sex,” she says. This can include a variety of experiences like hand sex, oral sex, and other forms of erotic touch and play. The possibilities are endless and equally valid.
Rather than thinking of sex as “losing our virginity,” Rowett proposes considering our first sexual experiences as a “sexual debut.” It’s not about giving something away or losing something to someone else. It’s about embarking on a new adventure as sexually curious individuals. And most importantly, it should be about pleasure.
Taylor Sparks, an intimacy educator, emphasizes that the first time may not be like a romance novel. Expecting a perfect, fairytale experience can cause anxiety and disappointment. “Having an understanding that everyone’s first time will be different can alleviate some anxiety,” Sparks says. Some experiences may be funny or awkward. Instead of striving for perfection, we should be compassionate towards ourselves. Who needs that added stress?
So take a deep breath and allow yourself to enjoy the entire process of your sexual debut. It should be a fun and exciting experience, not something uncomfortable, painful, or anxiety-inducing.
Now, let’s talk about sexual safety.
Before delving into the questions and answers surrounding first-time sex, let’s discuss sexual health and safety. It’s crucial to prioritize your health and the health of your partners. We live in a society that stigmatizes STIs, and our reproductive health needs to be at the forefront of our minds when engaging in sexual activity.
This includes being aware of contraception methods, STIs, and practicing safe sex. It’s important to use condoms, both internal and external, to protect against STIs. Additionally, consider alternative forms of contraception, such as IUDs, patches, implants, or pills.
However, sexual safety isn’t just about physical health, it also involves emotional health. This means engaging in sexual experiences with partners who respect your boundaries, communicate openly, and prioritize your pleasure. Authentic communication allows you to understand what you and your partner want from sex and what your relationship means. Whether casual or serious, it’s essential to discuss and ensure that both parties are on the same page.
Communication can also extend to discussions about getting tested for STIs. If your partner is unwilling to get tested, take it as a sign that they may not be the right person to have your first sexual experience with, or any sexual experience for that matter. Your safety should always be a priority.
With that being said, let’s address your questions.
1. Does first-time sex hurt?
The experience of first-time sex can vary from person to person. It’s common and normal for intercourse to be uncomfortable or even painful because it’s a new experience for your body. Just like trying a new sport, your body needs time to adjust.
Psychotherapist Nicole Tammelleo mentions that some individuals have described the sensation of their partner penetrating them as “hitting a brick wall,” which is not how sex should feel. Using lube can help with discomfort, but if the issue persists, consult a doctor or gynecologist to rule out conditions like vaginismus.
It’s important to distinguish between short-term and long-term pain. Short-term pain is normal as you adjust to a new experience and typically goes away after a few days. However, long-term pain during intercourse indicates that there are missing elements that your body needs for sex to be pleasurable. It could be related to pace, foreplay, connection, or other factors. It’s a process of self-discovery, and you should listen to your body’s needs.
If you experience severe pain, burning, itching, or lingering discomfort, especially if it worsens over time, talk to a doctor.
2. Will I bleed the first time I have sex?
The myth that all individuals with vaginas will bleed during their first penetrative sexual experience is false. While some people may experience bleeding due to hymen stretching, more than 50% do not bleed. The hymen can also stretch in non-sexual activities like exercise or physical exertion.
Bleeding after sex can happen at any time in your life, not just the first time. Using lube can enhance your experience and reduce discomfort.
3. Is it possible a penis won’t fit into a vagina?
Vaginas are typically three to seven inches long, but they are quite stretchy. Most penises can fit comfortably inside a vagina. However, communication, foreplay, and relaxation are important for a comfortable experience. If you experience difficulty accommodating a penis, it may be worth discussing with a doctor.