Tom Brady was a good, um, sport on Sunday night, where he was roasted about all aspects of his life, from his former marriage to Gisele Bündchen to his role in deflategate.
Host Kevin Hart kicked off The Greatest Roast of All Time: Tom Brady by noting that the event would be focusing on the “greatest quarterback of all time.” “Wait, Joe Montana’s here?” he quipped. He went on to joke that the teleprompter should have included the qualifier “one of the” greatest quarterbacks ever in reference to Brady. “The greatest is Joe Montana,” he affirmed.
Hart also commented on the demographic makeup of the attendees inside the Kia Forum. “I’ve never seen Inglewood so white,” he quipped of the Los Angeles suburb where the venue is located. “It’s so fucking white in here. It looks like a Bruce Springsteen concert just let out. This used to be the home of the Lakers, now it’s the home of the Quakers.”
Hart went on to joke about Brady’s former gig as an ambassador for failed cryptocurrency giant FTX (Brady also lost $30 million in crypto investments). “You’re saying, ‘Guys, why didn’t we go to the Crypto.com Arena downtown?’” Hart said. “Well, the reason why we didn’t go there is because he didn’t want to remind Tom’s fans of how much money he owes them. He fucked those people. … Fucked ’em good, didn’t he?”
After introducing Brady — the seven-time Super Bowl champion came onstage with brief remarks (“Are you guys ready? Because I am”) — Hart continued his roast.
“You know, Tom, this is crazy because for more than 20 years, Tom has ruined Sundays for football fans all over the country,” Hart said. “But tonight, well, tonight we’re gonna ruin yours, Tom. I’m gonna ruin your fucking Sunday.”
As might be expected, many of the jokes centered on Brady’s divorce from his ex-wife, Gisele Bündchen, with whom he shares two kids. The jokes not only took aim at Brady but also Bündchen.
“Single life is what you deserve because you had no choice,” Hart said. “Gisele gave you an ultimatum. Gisele said, ‘You retire or we’re done.’ … Let me tell you something: When you got a chance to go eight and nine, and all it will cost you is your wife and your kids, you gotta do what the fuck you gotta do. … You know what that’s called, Tom? That’s called real shit. Fuck them kids.”
He then added Brady’s coach of 18 seasons, former New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, into the mix.
“The world knows that you left Bill Belichick high and dry, man,” Hart said. “You left him and then you went to Tampa and you won a championship. You left Bill Belichick with [quarterback] Matt Jones. … You fucked your coach. But let me tell you something. … That’s what you gotta do to maintain your happiness. You understand, you sometimes gotta fuck your coach. You know who else fucked that coach? Gisele. She fucked that karate man.” (That’s a reference to Bündchen’s reported boyfriend, jiu-jitsu instructor Joaquim Valente.)
“What an idiot,” Hart continued. “I mean, Jesus Christ, Tom, one of the smartest quarterbacks ever played a game. How did you not see this coming? Eight fucking karate classes a day. … The only bruises she had were on her ass. Everybody should have known it.”
Jeff Ross followed Hart, armed with his own jokes about Brady’s marriage to Bündchen.
“Give it up for the lord of the Super Bowl rings: my friend Tom Brady, a man who has so many rings, he could melt them down and forge a sword to go on a quest to get Gisele back from that jiu-jitsu teacher,” he joked. “You’re a legend, Tom. You really are. You really put the jizz in Gisele.”
Ross went on to note that Brady was drafted 199th in the NFL draft. “You sat there for days waiting and waiting and then you were finally picked in the sixth round when Bill Belichick’s dog stepped on the keyboard by accident, son,” he quipped.
Ross also referenced deflategate, the 2015 scandal in which the NFL disciplined Brady and the Patriots for lowering the inflation of game footballs, which the NFL did not allow, after saying it found evidence of the deflation during the AFC Championship Game.
“I really wanted you to be our first G.O.A.T. to be roasted because you’re an example to future generations that if you work hard eat right, film the other team’s practices, deflate the balls and have the NFL make new rules just for you, then you too can be the third most famous guy in a Dunkin Donuts commercial, Tommy,” Ross joked.
Belichick also appeared, to a standing ovation and loud applause, to serve up his own jokes about many of his former players who were at the event. He also brought up the English soccer team that Brady co-owns, Birmingham City.
“I see your soccer team, Birmingham City, got knocked down to another tier in the English football league,” he said. “So you know, for those not familiar with English football and the intricacies to their obscure regulation system, just let me say — I’ll put it in English for you: They suck. It’s not so easy running a team, is it, Tom?”
He went on: “Seriously, Tom and I had had our differences but, you know, it only comes to love and respect about our relationship and we did some special things together, you know. For all of you out there that think about who’s responsible for the patriots success during the time when Tom and I were there: Was it Brady? Was it me? Was it Brady? Was it me? In reality, the truth of the matter is it was both of us. Because of me.”
After Belichick exited the stage, Hart noted that he’d had jokes ready aimed at the legendary coach but said he was so touched by Belichick’s appearance that he was going to forgo the jabs. (This move was confirmed to be a good one when Hart tried to explain one of the jokes that didn’t go over so well, and Belichick playfully threw his handkerchief at Hart. Hart protested the move, which he likened to getting a flag thrown on a play in football.)
“I really was a little touched just the fact that you came out,” Hart told Belichick. “I’m dead serious right now. That was a very gentleman-like move on your behalf, Tom. You better fucking appreciate that and tell him about it later.”
Nikki Glaser noted Brady’s accomplishments onstage: “Five-time Super Bowl MVP, most career wins, most career touchdowns. You have seven rings. Well, eight, now that Gisele gave hers back.
“But sorry, Tom, the only thing dumber than you saying yes to this roast was when you said, ‘Hey, babe, you should try jiu jitsu.’”
Glaser continued: “But seriously, Tom .. you’re the best to ever play for too long. I mean, you retired, then you came back and then you retired again. I mean, I get it. It’s hard to walk away from something that’s not your pregnant girlfriend [Bridget Moynahan]. To be fair, he didn’t know she was pregnant. He just thought she was getting fat and Tom hates fat.”
Glaser also had a through-line of how attractive she finds Brady: “To be honest, Tom, I didn’t really know a ton about your career before this and I only really started watching football when Taylor Swift said it was OK. But what I’ve learned, I’m in a absolute awe of you. You were a sixth-round draft pick that really everyone kind of counted out, no one believed in. And then you became this, you became the greatest of all time. And if I’ve learned anything, if I’ve learned anything about this man is that if you tell Tom Brady, he can’t do something. Not only will he do it, but he’ll do it the best it’s ever been done. So I’m here to say tonight, Tom Brady cannot make me come.”
Will Ferrell appeared in character as Ron Burgundy, his character in the Anchorman films, also remarked on Brady’s looks.
“This man is gorgeous. … Look at those cheekbones. That’s a million-watt smile right there. … I could get lost in those eyes and right now I am that person. Ron, pull it together. You’re a straight man. He’s making you question your sexuality. Stop looking at him. You’re here to make fun of him. Not fall in love. Concentrate.
“I never liked you Tom in all my years of watching professional football. I never saw a more boring quarterback,” he said, later adding: “He actually made me look forward to all the fun and laughter of a Bill Belichick postgame interview.”
Kim Kardashian also took the stage, noting the rumors that once swirled that the two were dating. “I know there were some rumors that we were, and I’d never say if we did or not,” she said. “I’d just release a tape.”
She went on: “But I do know it would never work out,” noting that Brady is a former athlete with strong cheekbones and “silky hair.”
“You remind me too much of my stepdad now,” she quipped of Caitlyn Jenner. “Oh, part of me thinks you would want to [date] me just to try on my clothes. I know the transition from the NFL must have been really hard. But I think my stepdad is a great example for you. She’s one of the best athletes in the world who proved you can do anything in this next chapter of your life. You can become a commentator or a far-right-wing Republican or even a strong confident woman.”
She added: “Honestly, it’s hard for me to watch people roast you. But I think enough of my family members have helped defend former football players,” she joked of her late father, Robert Kardashian, who was on O.J. Simpson’s defense team during the latter’s murder trial.
Brady’s former teammate Julian Edelman — who referred to the Super Bowl champ as “Leonardo DiCaprio’s ex-girlfriend’s ex-husband” — joked about what his and Brady’s teammates used to call a “bromance” between the two.
“I know there’s going to be a lot of jokes about me being gay for Tom,” Edelman said. “Well, let me set the record straight. Those balls weren’t going to deflate themselves.”
For his part, Brady laughed along with the jabs, though he did seem a bit uncomfortable amid some of the harsher Bündchen jokes. But one joke seemed to irk him more than others. During his turn onstage, Ross quipped: “So Tom became a Patriot and moved up to New England, and on the first day of training camp, that scrawny rookie famously walked into the [Patriots] owner Robert Kraft‘s office and said, ‘I’m the best decision your organization has ever made. Would you like a massage?’” Brady then approached Ross, who’d blown a kiss Kraft’s way, and said in his ear: “Don’t say that shit again.” Ross replied, “OK.”
The joke was a reference to a 2019 incident in which Kraft was charged with soliciting prostitution after an investigation into massage parlors in Florida. Police said they had recorded Kraft paying for sex acts. He pleaded not guilty, and a federal judge in later ordered that the recordings be destroyed after it was found they were filmed unlawfully. The case was dismissed later that year.
At the end of the night, Brady took the stage. “People ask: ‘Tom, why would you do this roast?’” he added. “It’s simple. I can take all the hits. I would have done this earlier, but I’ve just been too busy winning championships.”
He also got back at some of his roasters.
On Peyton Manning: “Thank you so much for coming out to L.A. to do this. I know sometimes you live in Denver and sometimes you live in Louisiana, but you’ll always live in my shadow.”
On Hart: “I’ve heard some people talk about me having bad knees. You know, my knees are so fucked up, Kevin, because I spent so many goddamn hours on the floor begging Netflix to get [Dave] Chappelle to host this.”
On Kardashian: “Thank you so much for being here. I know Kim was terrified to be here tonight. Not because of this, but because her kids are home with their dad,” Kanye West.
On NFL commissioner Roger Goodell (who was not present): “Remember deflategate? The NFL spent $20 million and found that it was more probable than not that I was generally aware that someone may have deflated my footballs. You could have just given me the $20 million, and I would just told you I fucking did it.”
On Kansas City fans: “You say your stadium is the loudest. It helps when all your fans are 14-year-old girls. And in honor of Tay-Tay [Taylor Swift], let’s take a look at the Chiefs ‘eras’: terrible for 50 years, good for five. Shake it off.”
On Belichick: “Everybody asked me which ring is my favorite. I used to say the next one, but now that I’m retired, my favorite ring is the camera that caught coach Belichick slinking out of that poor girl’s house at 6 a.m. a few months ago. Hey, you still got it. …. You know, we’ve been through so much and after two decades, I finally had to admit that all along it was you. You’re the reason for the Patriots dynasty because you Bill Belichick, you are a true coaching genius. I mean, you had to choose between an aging injured, overpaid Drew Bledsoe and a young healthy minimum-wage superstar. I could have got a fucking coach from Hawks Foxborough fucking high school to make that decision. … I’ve been out of the game for a minute. So I’m curious, how many Super Bowl Rings have you won since I left?”
The three-hour-plus roast, which was part of the Netflix Is a Joke Fest, was streamed live, which Netflix touted as the first-ever roast to be telecast live, unedited. The festivities, held at L.A.‘s Kia Forum in Inglewood, kicked off shortly after 4 p.m., with guests filing into the arena. DJ Trauma spun some beats as stars in the front section took their seats at banquet style tables.
Among the other bold-faced names in attendance were Ben Affleck, Jim Gaffigan, Amanda Kloots, Richard Kind, Chelsea Handler and Dane Cook, along with NFL pros Rob Gronkowski (who also wound up as the butt of many of the evening’s jokes), Randy Moss, Rodney Harrison, Julian, Edelman and Matt Light.
Judging from the scene inside and around the Forum, you would be forgiven for thinking that Sunday’s event was a typical big ticket football game. The show, which was a ticketed event for sale to the general public, drew hordes of Brady fans who arrived decked out in football jerseys. The majority were decked out on New England Patriots gear, while others were wearing Tampa Bay Buccaneers jerseys to represent the NFL team where he closed out his iconic career.
The roast was executive produced by Brady, Casey Patterson, Ross, Hart and Jeff Clanagan for Hartbeat.
Chris Gardner contributed to this report.