It has been an unpredictable, rollercoaster ride for most of the sides still left in Euro 2024.
England? Well, less rollercoaster, more three hours on a Ferris wheel overlooking Llandudno town centre.
If their first four games at the tournament are merely a template for what is to come later today (Saturday), then here is your bingo card for the quarter-final against Switzerland.
1) “Hopefully that early Switzerland chance wakes England up.”
You know the drill by now. England have scored a couple of early goals in the tournament so far (Jude Bellingham in the 13th minute against Serbia, Harry Kane in the 18th against Denmark) but, like the watching nation, they often need the jolt of an opposition foray at goal to get them going.
2) “England need to up the tempo.”
It’s all here: Fast kickin’, low scorin’… and ties? You bet! You’ll see all your favourite soccer stars, like Kane, Bellingham, Declan Rice, Phil Foden and Bukayo Saka. This match will determine once and for all which nation is the greatest on earth — England or Switzerland.
Commentator: “Half-back passes to the centre, back to the wing, back to the centre. Centre holds it, holds it, holds it…”
3) Someone messages you stating how many touches Kane has had in the opposition box.
Kane has touched the ball 18 times inside the opposition penalty area so far during his 355 minutes on the field at these Euros, which works out as once every 20 minutes.
In the 19th minute of the match, you will receive a flurry of messages from friends expressing their indignation at how deep Kane is playing and how Foden has yet to play a pass to him.
A frustrated Kane (Ina Fassbender/AFP via Getty Images)
For context, heading into the quarter-finals, France’s Kylian Mbappe and Germany’s Kai Havertz had taken the most penalty-box touches with 34, but from considerably fewer minutes (Mbappe’s 269 and Havertz’s 301). And Bellingham has had the most for England with 22.
Just get yourself in the mixer, Harry.
4) General-election reference.
To be honest, you will almost certainly be able to tick this one before kick-off, possibly even in the opening seconds of the BBC’s coverage. Presenter Gary Lineker, with a half-fixed cheeky grin and a glint in his eye, may talk of hoping for a landslide victory, of Bellingham looking pretty good in the No 10 role, or the Swiss fans creating a red wall of shirts, or of wanting Kane to be first past the post.
If he doesn’t, commentator Guy Mowbray will.
5) Co-commentator mentions how Foden doesn’t do that when he plays for Manchester City.
Another recurring theme of the tournament. Foden — the best player in English football in 2023-24 for Manchester City, but a BTEC Jason Wilcox for England at Euro 2024.
OK, he’s not that bad, but he’s the Wish version of last season and commentators, pundits and fans enjoy pointing it out. Be it not finding space in the opposition third, not dovetailing with his team-mates, not scoring, not assisting… just get ready for more.
6) Commentator reminds us that Roy Hodgson managed both England and Switzerland.
This is almost a given. It’s the Roy Hodgson derby. Obviously, everyone remembers Hodgson managed England from 2012 to 2016, inspiring them to their first group-stage exit at a World Cup since 1958 and then leading them to the lowest ebb arguably of the national team’s entire history with defeat against Iceland at Euro 2016.
It may be veering into “little-known fact” territory that he also managed Switzerland, rather more successfully, in the mid-1990s, when he took them to their first major tournaments in three decades.
Hodgson managing Switzerland at the 1994 World Cup (Michael E. Samojeden/AFP)
Bonus points if the commentator references former Crystal Palace manager Hodgson’s pride at seeing several of their players in the current England squad.
7) Camera cuts to Cole Palmer looking bored on the bench.
If England are not winning by the 65th minute, the broadcast director is contractually obliged to show an image of substitute Palmer, cheek seemingly glued to the inside of one palm, staring rather aimlessly at England playing football with the handbrake on.
This is also applicable to Anthony Gordon and, after his cameo against Slovakia, Ivan Toney.
Palmer on the bench against Slovakia (Inaki Esnaola/Getty Images)
8) Someone messages you saying “Never in doubt” with three laughing emojis at full time.
But England will inevitably, after a turgid, monotonous performance comprising three shots on target to Switzerland’s nine, creep through, either 1-0 or 2-1, and prolong the nation’s agony for at least four more days.
“Look, we know we weren’t at our optimal level in some areas. There are things we’ll need to spend time on on the training ground in the coming days once the players have had a rest,” Southgate tells BBC reporter Kelly Somers. “But the priority always has to be winning. We’ve done that — we know we’ve not been perfect, but we’re certainly happy that we’re not going home.”
9) Studio pundit concludes that England will have to improve if they want to win the competition.
Of the three lined up by the BBC for today’s match; Rio Ferdinand, Frank Lampard and Micah Richards, you can well imagine Lampard saying those exact words.
First, they’ll show Saka’s deflected winning goal and the “marvellous scenes” that followed, then they’ll analyse whether the Swiss should have had a late penalty when a cross ricocheted off Ezri Konsa’s midriff and appeared to then brush his forearm (“You don’t want to see those given,” Ferdinand states), then Lineker will reluctantly segue to the performance.
“Well, England are through, and that’s ultimately all that matters, but once again they hardly had us jumping out of our seats, Frank.”
“No. No, they didn’t,” Lampard replies. “But speaking as someone who never played in the semis of a Euros or a World Cup, I can tell you the players won’t be thinking about that right now. But yes — and Gareth will know this — they’ll have to improve if they want to win the competition.”
(Top photo: Getty Images; design Eamonn Dalton)