Aaron Rodgers, a man who exists solely to waste everyone else’s time, wasted a great deal more of yours Wednesday with his much-hyped appearance on “The Pat McAfee Show.” On the air, Rodgers informed his be-tank-topped host, and the rest of the world, that he had finally made a decision about his future. After going on a “darkness retreat” that — much to my chagrin — was not a permanent coffin burial, he emerged into the harsh light of a vaccinated world and realized that he, one of the most decorated quarterbacks in history, would like to go play for one of the most embarrassing sports franchises in history.
The funny thing about this “announcement,” among many, is that this was not and is not actually Rodgers’ choice to make. While the Adams Schefter of the world have already tweeted out hideous photoshops of Rodgers in a New York Jets uniform, the team that currently has Rodgers under contract has yet to actually, you know, trade him. And while the Green Bay Packers would like to free themselves of Rodgers as much as the rest of humanity would, letting him dangle all the way to September wouldn’t incur any financial penalty. In fact, according to Mike Florio, they’re more than happy to wait until the draft next month to make a deal. And they’re under no obligation to trade Rodgers to New York if they don’t want to. They could trade him anywhere else, and for comedy’s sake, they ought to.
While the Jets have made the thirstiest possible moves to accommodate Rodgers — signing his former wideout Allen Lazard, hiring his former offensive coordinator and clockmaster Nathaniel Hackett as their offensive coordinator, doing this tweet — the Packers don’t have to join them in indulging this vacuous prick. Would YOU indulge him? If you were Packers GM Brian Gutekunst, would you accommodate Rodgers after he just bled your franchise dry, both financially and emotionally? Wouldn’t you use the leverage that Rodgers just unwittingly handed you to extract a better deal from New York? (That’s what Rodgers himself says the Packers are currently doing, surely the gravest injustice ever inflicted upon any living man.) Wouldn’t you trade him somewhere he DOESN’T want to go? Or wouldn’t you just let him twist for a few months to make him miserable? There’s no shortage of horrible fates that the Packers, and God, can inflict upon this man. So let’s think of a few right now!
(Please note that I am restricting myself to semi-realistic outcomes here. No “The Packers trade Aaron to Putin!” jokes in here. You have my word.)
Green Bay trades Rodgers to Vegas.
Rodgers told McAfee that he would have liked to rejoin his old teammate Davante Adams with the Raiders before his little Jets epiphany. Adams, if you recall, is the stud wideout who was traded away by Green Bay last offseason. Adams, like Rodgers, requested both a trade and named his preferred destination. And because, unlike Rodgers, Adams is a professional, the Packers granted it. The result for Adams was a 6-11 season, his old college quarterback Derek Carr being left out on the curb shortly thereafter, and the Raiders trading away the club’s all-world tight end after some weirdness around his wedding.
Trade Rodgers here and he’d instantly feud with newly acquired Jimmy Garoppolo and then become a crystal humper living on the city outskirts who wanders off into the desert and chops down the Joshua tree because “a spirit” told him to.
Green Bay trades Rodgers to Indianapolis.
Stuck at No. 4 in April’s draft, the Colts are either gonna have to settle for two of the riskiest possible options at the top of this QB class (Will Levis of Kentucky, Anthony Richardson of Florida), or do the exact same thing they’ve attempted to do for two straight years now: win games with someone else’s quarterback. And while team owner and man-who-talks-like-his-tongue-is-made-of-ball-bearings Jim Irsay had the good sense not to retain Jeff Saturday as his stunt head coach, there’s no telling when the old man will suck on an ether-soaked handkerchief and tweet out, “3RD TYME’S TH CHARM!%” before shooting his shot.
Green Bay trades Rodgers to Atlanta.
It would be funny because the Falcons are dogs—t, you see.
Green Bay trades Rodgers to Washington.
The Commanders have been active and uncharacteristically wise in free agency. That suggests that Dan Snyder has either already begun to relinquish control of this franchise in the wake of an impending sale, or is simply FOOLING you into thinking he is, which would be the most Snyder move of all. So imagine Snyder getting everyone in the DMV all horny for his impending exit, only to pull a Vince McMahon and declare it all a cruel prank. He’s staying, Washington! He’s staying and he’ll NEVER die! And as an added insult, he’s gonna make like it’s 1999 and send Green Bay three years’ worth of draft picks, sign Rodgers to a $300 million extension, and lose a THOUSAND games before this decade is over. Tell me that’s more far-fetched than Danny actually letting go of this team. You cannot.
Rodgers retires out of spite, gets aggressive clinical depression, goes on Pat McAfee to blame his depression on “all the Woke Wendys out there.”
In fact, he’s not even depressed at all. It’s ridiculous that anyone would even report that. Lose his number, media.
[the media loses his number]
NO WAIT HE DIDN’T MEAN IT PLEASE DON’T LOSE HIS NUMBER! CALL HIM AND PUT HIM ON TV OR ELSE HE’LL MELT INTO A PUDDLE!
Green Bay trades Rodgers AND Jordan Love to Baltimore for Lamar Jackson.
While Rodgers muses and pontificates, the best quarterback currently on the market remains unsigned thanks to a heady mix of soft collusion, unreasonable contract demands, and a stubborn refusal to hire an agent. Given those painfully unique circumstances, it’s likely that no one will even sign Lamar Jackson to an offer sheet. But the Packers could. They could bring the former MVP to Green Bay, seamlessly transition to yet another all-time QB, and let the Ravens training staff have their way with whatever imaginary injury Rodgers chooses for himself next.
Green Bay trades Rodgers to the Jets for so much draft capital that New York has zero chance to field a decent roster around this needy asswipe.
Green Bay trades Rodgers to the Jets, Garrett Wilson makes light fun of him one time on Instagram, and then Rodgers never speaks to him again.
Green Bay trades Rodgers to the Jets, he loses his first game, sees the New York Post back page AARON ROD-JERK!, and has a nervous breakdown.
Green Bay trades Rodgers to the Jets … in October.
Green Bay trades Rodgers to the Jets and he then gets caught sending pictures of his dong to Suzanne Ircha Johnson.
Green Bay trades Rodgers to the Jets and then Rodgers, after visiting ground zero, tells the world that he’s finally found out who REALLY did 9/11.
Green Bay trades Rodgers to the Jets and then Zach Wilson bones Rodgers’ mom.
Green Bay trades Rodgers to the Jets and then he sucks, and then he retires, and then he comes out of retirement to play for the Minnesota Vikings to spite the Packers, and then he makes it all the way to the NFC title game against Green Bay, and then throws the game-losing pick.
(This would definitely never happen no way.)
And finally, the most likely outcome of all:
Rodgers stays in Pat McAfee’s studio and just keeps going on and on and on about nothing at all, until the heat death of the sun.
