I’m happily married with adult children, and grandchildren. One of my children bought me a DNA testing kit and when I received the results I was taken aback to discover that the man I thought was my father was not actually my biological parent.
My parents were married for some years before I arrived and I have no siblings. My mother was a loving, kind person and growing up I was surrounded by a loving maternal extended family. My father was a “difficult” character, emotionally abusive and distant. He never told me he loved me and I know he made my mother’s life hell at times. They eventually divorced and he died some years ago. I had remained in contact with him and when he died I grieved, not so much for him as an individual but for the lost opportunities of our relationship.
I’ve discovered that my biological father was a work colleague of my mother’s. At the time of my conception he was also married with a 10-year-old daughter. We lived in a rural community and I met him and his wife on many occasions. He seemed to be a kind, intelligent man. Both he and my mother died a few years ago.
My mind’s in turmoil; I have so many questions that I know can’t be answered. I’m frustrated that I will never know the truth of the situation. Did other people in the family know when I didn’t?
I’ve told my husband but I’ve decided to not tell my children – I don’t want to upset their memories of a loving grandmother but I don’t know if this is the correct thing to do.
The other issue is his daughter, my half-sister. I’m sad that I’ve never had the chance to have a sibling relationship with her and never will because I will not tell her of my discovery.
I would appreciate your thoughts.
What a shock for you. I hope you are taking time to absorb it because this is seismic news. And it’s becoming more common now that DNA testing is so readily available. Lots of secrets that were once thought buried are being exposed. It makes it even harder when the people involved are dead and you can’t ask questions.
I went to UKCP-registered family psychotherapist Reenee Singh who attests this is a growing issue in people she sees. “My heart goes out to you,” she said, “it’s so de-stabilising to realise the reality you grew up with isn’t what you thought.”
We discussed at length whether you should tell your children and the conclusion was that we think you should, eventually. Your children are adults and there’s a natural “in” there as your daughter bought you a DNA test (I wonder if this was entirely coincidental?). Remember that DNA tests, as you’ve seen, are now widely available and what you don’t want is your children or grandchildren discovering this one day when they may take a DNA test.
In cases such as these it’s always a good idea to process as many of the initial feelings yourself, first, before talking to others so you can tell them as neutrally and factually as possible. This processing could take place in therapy or just you talking it through with your husband. When you are ready you can then tell your children. I would then leave it up to them to tell the grandchildren.
Your half sibling is more complicated. You didn’t say if she’s in your immediate orbit or not. If she is, once you discuss it with wider family then it may get to her, so this is something to factor in.
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You could leave your details on the genealogy site (once you’ve told your family) as she may find you that way if she ever uses it. But you don’t have to do anything about that right now. This is a process. And there’s a lot for you to work through, not only a new father figure but a whole new family story.
“I also wonder,” said Singh “if there’s a sense of relief for you that this complicated dad you had isn’t actually your dad, but there may be some anger, too, towards your mother.”
This doesn’t mean you don’t love your mother, or understand why she did what she did but there may be some complex feelings that need to be examined and defused. Take some time to assimilate all this yourself before allowing your wider family in; are there any aunts or older relatives from that loving maternal family that you could ask? Only then can you really decide whether to approach the half sibling. This is a new family tree that’s shaping, and that all takes time.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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