I know what I want for Christmas – an LED sign for the back window of my car. I’ve only just realised these things are readily available. I assumed otherwise because in all my years of motoring I’ve only ever seen one in operation. It was about six years ago on the A55 heading south towards Wrexham. I was riding my motorbike. It was a beautiful moment. A black Range Rover ahead of me was indicating a wish to move into my lane. I slowed down a little and nodded my helmet to signal my assent. And blow me down if an LED sign in the back window didn’t flash up a cheery THANK YOU. So sweet. But then I felt a bit rotten because I had no way of returning this friendly fire when I overtook him. It felt impolite not to say NOT AT ALL! But it’s difficult to physically communicate that, especially on a motorbike. With a random head movement and a slightly raised thumb, I did the best I could. All in all, it really was a most satisfactory exchange.
You get a lot of thinking time when you’re riding a motorbike, so I came to wondering what he might have flashed up if I hadn’t allowed him to pull in front of me. If he’d been disappointed enough to chase me down and get past me, what might have been his message? I thought of THANKS FOR NOTHING, or perhaps a simple FUCK YOU.
Inter-vehicle communication hasn’t really moved on since the invention of the indicator. All drivers have to work with are a limited range of hand signals. Tellingly, there are more ways of communicating anger than gratitude. To share rage you can use one finger, or two. Then there’s tapping a loosely clenched fist against one’s forehead, which we might call the dickhead signal. Or there’s the ever popular wanker sign. As an aside, I wonder if this is exclusively a British thing. I only ask because many years ago I saw Maradona play for Sevilla at Real Madrid. His 10 teammates took to the pitch before him, creating an atmosphere of poisonous anticipation. When he finally emerged, 80,000 Real Madrid fans made a truly terrible noise to register their negative feelings towards him. Now if this had happened in the UK, the howls of derision would have been accompanied by a forest of arms and hands making the gesture mentioned above. But this lot didn’t do that. To my eyes it looked most odd, as if they’d all been handcuffed or something.
Anyway, back behind the wheel, to communicate gratitude your only real option is the old showing of the palm of the hand, although if you’re really cool you can just lift a finger of one hand from its grip on the steering wheel.
How liberating it would be to have a sign to do the talking for you. The one I’m looking at has the facility to display nine messages. As it’s that most wonderful time of year I’ll restrict myself to pleasant communications: this isn’t the season for rudeness. My selection is as follows: THANK YOU; DON’T MENTION IT; YOU’RE WELCOME; MERRY CHRISTMAS; HAPPY NEW YEAR; MY SCIATICA IS GIVING ME HELL; I’M ON A ROAD TO NOWHERE; I GOT THIS FROM SANTA; and I’M SORRY IF THIS IS ILLEGAL.
I made the last selection having taken the precaution of checking whether these things are legal or not. Initial inquiries have proved inconclusive. They either are, or aren’t, or might be as long as they don’t flash or move, or something. Never mind: I’ll just attach it to my belt and use it around the house. If you can’t enjoy a bit of feeble-minded fun at this time of year, when can you?