If there are two words which could sum up society’s version of officially bottoming out, it would have to be “Hawk Tuah,” the latest viral catchphrase in the dumpster fire that is otherwise known as the internet.
If you’ve managed the impossible and haven’t heard about Hawk Tuah girl, congratulations for not sliding into the clickbait sludge the rest of us are wallowing in.
It’s easier to see it, rather than waste word count explaining, so roll the tape!
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WATCH THE VIDEO ABOVE: Hailey Welch, known as the “Hawk Tuah Girl”, breaks silence over her viral lewd comment.
Right, now you’re as bad as the rest of us who have caught this viral disease officially known as internet rot. The pathogen is a bunch of fabulous nobodies, who WE collectively click into overnight micro-stars, complete with merch and media deals, as our brains collectively atrophy across the keyboard.
A brief history into Hawk Tuah girl’s origin story. Don’t worry it’s 2024-style fame, so this will be short. Hailey Welch, that’s her actual name, was out on the town when she was asked a question by one of those TikTok man-on-the-street interviews. One animated sex tip later – a Viral Star Was Born!
Cue the T-shirts, key chains and carry cups emblazoned with “If she don’t Hawk Tuah, I don’t want to talk Tuah!” She’s now reportedly quit her job as rumours swirl she’s signing with Hollywood powerhouse United Talent Agency.
To be fair, Welch is just as surprised as the rest of us at being baptised the IT girl of the internet and quote “s*** a brick” when the whole thing blew up.
Just as I lament that life in 2024 couldn’t get any worse, SoundCloud offers up a new song suggestion – the “Hawk Tuah Hard-core Techno Edit”.
Hawk Tuah girl is just a drop in the ocean of internet spit, joining a crowded bunch making page impressions and permanent imprints on our “let’s lower the bar” brains. She is a spicier version of the “Damn Daniel” meme and tomorrow there will be some other nano-celebrity we propel into the clickbait stratosphere.
How are we here?
Whenever I spin out, which is often, I like to look back at history to contextualise if this is really the “WORST it’s ever been!” Are we less enlightened than people who lived before us? Two thousand years ago Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelias told his constituents, “the happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.” Pretty mighty stuff but maybe as he uttered those words, the founding father of the Stoic movement was being drowned out by tittering in the shadowy corners of the town square. A bunch of his loyal followers gassing over the town potter’s latest line of stick figures etched into explicit positions.
“Hey, check this clay tablet out!”
“Have you seen what Caius has carved on the side of the bath house? Sheesh! It’s steamy stuff!”
“What are you idiots laughing about?”
“Nothing Marcus, carry on!”
At least those 2D pornographic pots were handmade and had the gumption to last thousands of years. Where will our viral versions be – not in two thousand years but in two years, or two months from now? The ancient Egyptians might have mastered hieroglyphics, but hey, we’ve come up with the eggplant emoji! Is this really the best we can do?
We’ve always talked rubbish, but previously it came and went in between more meaningful breaths. Now trash makes up most of the internet, where on average we spend 6 hours and 40 minutes a day, and we can’t click this crap enough. We are hardwired to connect, even in mud.
I recently interviewed neuro-tech expert Dr Fiona Kerr and she explained that humans “can synchronise at scale, with a contagion effect that can be wonderful or problematic.” In this moment, we are firmly in the latter. Our screens allow us to watch the responses of multiple brains simultaneously, forming a natural net that wants to web together.
It’s the same glue that connects us in a positive way, fastening strangers, families, and civilisations together but the internet is making us come unstuck. We are linking far too often without human contact and over content that is a bunch of mentally empty calories. There is so much spitting out there, I’ve been left with a dry mouth.
So, I am officially spitting the dummy. I’m now longer clicking the bait, don’t send me cat memes, and I’m deleting my Instagram, for at least….a day. I need a break. I need to find some better neuro connections or at least have conversations not based around an internet sex tip.
This is my Jerry Maguire “are you coming with me” moment.
“Hawk Tuah!”
Hear that?
That’s the sound of me, spitting in the wind.