My wife is constantly upset by her mother’s behavior, which has always been difficult but has recently become worse. My mother-in-law is a solitary person with no friends, despite being married to my wife’s dad for many years. She spends her days alone looking at right-wing websites while he is at work. Unfortunately, the opinions she hears only exacerbate her racist and homophobic views. My wife and I are both in our mid-30s and have been together for 10 years. We both have good jobs, especially my wife, and I believe that a lot of her mother’s anger is specifically directed at her.
We live far away and only visit a few times a year. While the visits start off cordially, her mother always manages to cause upset. She seems consumed by resentment towards her daughter, much of which is homophobic, and fails to acknowledge our relationship or my wife’s adult life. The visits fill me with anxiety because her mother shouts and says hurtful things. Recently, during a visit for my brother-in-law’s graduation, my mother-in-law overdosed on alcohol and painkillers. Both parents have been abusing painkillers for years, and her father is unwilling to admit that there’s a problem.
We have discussed cutting them off completely, but my wife is not ready to do that. My mother-in-law insists on long phone calls every week as well. How can my wife protect herself from this toxic situation? It’s an incredibly difficult situation, and many people may have different viewpoints on it.
Considering the chaotic lives of your in-laws and their unwillingness to change, there is little you can do without being dragged into their negativity. So, your focus should be on minimizing their impact. I consulted with AFT-registered psychotherapist Hannah Sherbersky, who emphasized the importance of putting your relationship first and presenting a united front. She suggests creating a practical and contingency plan to determine what is tolerable and what is not.
For instance, if your mother-in-law starts ranting, both of you could decide to walk away and refuse to engage in her hurtful diatribes. It may be difficult at first, but with practice, it becomes easier. This unified approach is crucial because the person caught in the middle, your wife, often feels torn between family loyalty and her partner.
It’s important to clarify what your wife wants in this situation, apart from not severing ties completely. Sherbersky suggests understanding who needs protection from what. Is it about your feelings, your wife’s feelings, or both? It’s okay for you to be upset by your in-laws, but you may need to create space for your wife to be upset while still wanting to maintain a relationship with them, despite the illogical nature of it. Perhaps your wife can seek support from her brother.
When people return to dysfunctional situations, there’s often something that tethers them—love, money, or the desire for a different outcome. “Your wife seems to have a strong sense of loyalty, but she may also yearn for her mother’s approval.” Often, we equate approval with love.
Practically speaking, if possible, try not to stay at your in-laws’ toxic house. As for the weekly phone calls, a helpful strategy is for your wife to initiate them. This puts her in control of the timing and location, which can be empowering compared to waiting for the call. Over time, she can make the calls shorter, limiting them to just a few minutes each week. At all other times, it may be best for her to ignore the calls.
This won’t be easy. When I began this column, I used to believe in “family at all costs,” but some people are simply too toxic to be around for extended periods. They’re like radiation.