Every few weeks, it seems like there’s a new relationship-related term that everyone’s using with aplomb, whether it’s the now-familiar “ghosting” or “breadcrumbing” or the “all or nothing” dating trend. The concept of limerence—a.k.a. obsessive longing—is well-worn, though; even though it’s currently enjoying a rise in popularity, there are endless literary examples of weepy protagonists investing way too much in their would-be significant other, from Romeo Montague to Goethe’s sorrowful young Werther. (And, of course, on the rom-com side of things, there’s Lara Jean Covey from To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before…)
Below, find everything you need to know about limerence, including its full definition and how it can affect relationships:
What is the psychological definition of limerence?
According to Psychology Today, limerence is “a state of involuntary obsession with another person.” While the state of falling in love or lust is often predicated on those feelings being reciprocated by a partner, limerence is specifically based on uncertainty about the object of your affections (a.k.a. your “limerent object”) returning your ardor.
Where does the term limerence come from?
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who coined the term in her 1979 book Love and Limerence, who described her experience of the concept as follows: “I don’t direct this thing, this attraction, to Emily. It directs me. I try desperately to argue with it, to limit its influence, to channel it (into sex, for example), to deny it, to enjoy it and, yes, dammit, to make her respond! Even though I know that Emily and I have absolutely no chance of making a life together, the thought of her is an obsession. I am in the position of passionately wanting someone I don’t want at all and could find no use for if I had her.”
Tennov has noted that limerence can affect anyone, regardless of gender, age, ethnicity, background, or any other trait.
What are the key hallmarks of limerence?
As a state of mind, limerence can be characterized by irrational or intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, uncertainty and fear of rejection, and, perhaps most tellingly, idealization; in other words, limerence means being so obsessed with your image of your limerent object that, ironically, you might really not be focusing on them or getting to know them at all. In this way, limerence can preclude genuine connection, as the person experiencing limerence might be so focused on the intensity of their own feelings that they’re not really present or able to establish or deepen interpersonal bonds.
What are the three stages of limerence?
The three stages of limerence are infatuation, crystallization, and deterioration; infatuation refers to the period of falling for a limerent object, crystallization refers to the process of idealizing said limerent object or, as it’s often phrased, “putting them on a pedestal,” and deterioration refers to the inevitable emotional crash that comes with the loss of a limerent object as a potential solution to all of one’s problems.
What’s so wrong with limerence, after all?
At first glance, limerence might sound like a good thing; after all, it’s all about the romantic notion of falling for someone headfirst, right? However, according to the Attachment Project, problems can occur when “the limerent person struggles to think about anything else but their ‘crush’ and neglects their social life, work, and other responsibilities as a result.”