You’ve just had a really bad, world-rocking breakup. You’re super depressed, sad, anxious and…horny? Hi, yes, this can totally happen. Enter: The Heartbreak Horn.
Psychotherapist Lee Phillips, Ed.D, a certified sex and couples therapist, tells Cosmo there are many reasons you might get randy after heartbreak. It’s completely possible the ludicrous amount of emotions you’re dealing with has kicked your libido into high gear—which, yes, is a real thing on a physiological level (more on that later). It’s also possible you’re seeking pleasure through sexual contact in an attempt to cope with sadness and/or anxiety—also totally valid!
If you’ve got a case of the Heartbreak Hornies, know that you’re going to be okay and there is nothing wrong with you. In case you haven’t noticed, the ways in which we, as individuals, respond to big life events are subjective. “People’s reactions to breakups can be highly variable,” says sex therapist Nazanin Moali, PhD, host of the Sexology podcast. “While some might notice a complete loss of sexual desire, others may find that their libido is in overdrive.”
Wherever you happen to find yourself on the post-breakup horn scale, we all need to take some stock of our lives and choices no matter how horny we are (because maturity). There are both positive and negative things that can come as a result of banging it out to relieve the emotional tailspin of heartbreak. Hence why we’re here: to give you all the info you need to make the right post-split choices for *your* life. YW!
Let’s get into it, shall we? Here’s everything to know about post-breakup horn—what it is, why it happens, and ways you can get off without triggering an emotional hangover.
First of all, is this normal?
In case this wasn’t made clear yet: Yes, it’s totally normal to be a horn-dog after heartbreak.
Spoiler alert: There really are no “abnormal” reactions to big emotional events. We all cope differently. According to clinical sex and relationships psychotherapist Jordan Dixon, we often see a decrease in self-esteem and an increase in emotional distress after a breakup. Getting it on can be kind of like a bandaid to slap over these icky feelings, potentially providing the validation and boost in positive feels we crave after a split, says Dixon. Basically, we probably get horny because pleasure and human connection are mood-lifters (in the right circumstances). “Engaging in sexual activity can be a quick and powerful way to alter one’s mood, so it’s not surprising that many people are drawn to this option when coping with intense emotions like anger, stress, or sadness,” Moali says.
Post-breakup sex can be a good distraction from the sadness/anxiety you’re experiencing. Plus, it can help you regain a sense of control in a situation that ultimately feels like chaos.
Why you (might) get horny after a bad breakup, according to ~science~.
When we go through a big emotional fallout (like a breakup), the emotional processing center of our brain (the amygdala) goes on full blast. Phillips explains that this brings on our stress response: Fight, flight, freeze. When this happens, the neurotransmitters in our bodies can become imbalanced—including dopamine, which is linked to pleasure and reward.
Sometimes this stress response can lead to a libido boost. “We can go into ‘flight mode’ by running away,” he says. “When we need to release anger or withdraw by running away, one way to cope with this is by having an orgasm.” And therefore, we can get turned on. Orgasms release built up tension and return us to a state of calm with a big dose of dopamine and oxytocin. So the desire for a post-breakup O may be a way for our brains to rebalance.
Moali adds that Heartbreak Horn is rooted in evolutionary psychology. “From an evolutionary perspective, perceived loss or threat can intensify desire,” she explains. “This heightened sexual desire following a breakup might be a subconscious attempt to regain what has been lost,” which might explain why we find ourselves seeking out random hookups.
TL;DR: When you break up, your lizard brain will do whatever it can to make you feel safe and calm again—including turn you into a big ol’ hornball.
Jumping in the sack can be healthy (under certain circumstances).
Because everyone experiences every breakup differently, sometimes getting back in the sex game really is the right choice. “Engaging in sexual activities post-breakup is not inherently wrong or harmful, provided they are consensual, respectful, and not used as a means to avoid emotional healing,” Moali says.
Dixon agrees, pointing out that post-breakup sex can be especially transformative and healing if the sex in the relationship was unfulfilling. “For someone who hasn’t had their sexual needs met in a relationship, they may go on and meet someone who they are more sexually compatible with and heal.”
Also, if you choose to simply get yourself off on the reg, there’s nothing wrong with that journey, either. Solo sex is perfectly healthy and can help you feel more in-touch with yourself when‘re feeling sad or lost post-breakup. Remember, orgasms are good for you!
When hooking up might *not* be for the best.
Obviously, you are a grown adult and get to make your own choices about the behaviors you do and don’t engage with after heartbreak, but there are some things worth considering before making the decision to hop into bed with the next hottie you match with on Tinder.
Number one, you’re gonna want to ask yourself why you’re horny.
When it comes to post-breakup hookups, Moali says it can be useful to look at your attachment style. This refers to ways we form bonds and emotional ties with people, which is rooted in childhood. If you have an anxious attachment style, you may be seeking out hookups in pursuit of validation and connectedness, without actually looking deeper into the authenticity of the connections you’re making.
Dixon also warns against seeking sex for revenge. Anger, jealousy, and sadness can be powerful motivators for getting horny—because sex can act as a way to regain power over an ex. But when we seek out hookups as an act of revenge, it can sometimes (often) backfire. Again, just something to consider before making any Heartbreak Horn-fueled decisions!
5 ways to enjoy the horn without taking an emotional tumble.
1. Take a beat before acting.
Sometimes taking a beat before engaging in sexual behavior can give us the clarity we need to decide if the choices we’re making serve us or hinder us. The horn goggles can blind us, folks.
Take three deep breaths to calm yourself. Notice what you’re feeling in your body. A few extra moments can offer clarity around our choices so we can feel more empowered.
2. Take it as slowly as needed.
It’s crucial to make sure you’re *actually* ready for sex after a painful breakup,says Philips. “Allow yourself to feel what you feel and start slow, if needed.” Basically, there are no timelines and only you get to decide when and if you’re ready for sex.
3. Have an orgasm (or two or three!) on your own first.
Sometimes all we need to break that post-breakup tension is some time with our faithful vibrator. Consider having an orgasm and releasing some of that pent-up emotion before hopping aboard the next train to bonetown with a Tinder random.
4. Make sure this isn’t your only coping strategy.
While the heartbreak horn is totally okay and normal, Moali says having multiple tools to aid in coping with heartbreak is needed for proper healing. “Continually seeking casual sexual encounters without processing the emotional pain from the breakup might lead to a cycle of avoidance,” she warns.
5. Keep tabs on your sexual health.
If you’re going out to get some ass, it’s important to be tested for STIs regularly. “If you are not getting tested regularly, this is placing you at risk,” Philips says. Sexual health is sexual wealth, friends.
Long story short, Heartbreak Horn is something a lot of people experience. The emotional rollercoaster that is a breakup can have a major impact on libido and desire. What can we say? The human condition is confusing and mysterious. Ultimately, there’s no right or wrong way to feel about the end of a relationship—but horny is probably one of the more fun ways, no? Oh, and, if it makes you feel better to empathize with other people’s horny breakup stories, allow us to highly recommend checking out this podcast. You’re not alone, horny or not.
Gigi Engle is a writer, certified sexologist, sex
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