As someone whose literal job is essentially to think and write about sex all day (tough work, but someone’s gotta do it, y’know?), I spend a lot of time asking people questions about sex—including my own sexual partners, both current and (potentially) future. Why? Because asking questions, as they say, is a good way to find things out—things like, oh, IDK, what someone likes in bed, how they feel about foot stuff, and what fantasies they have on replay in their spank bank. And also because it’s a hell of a lot of fun. Not only is a spicy little game of 20 Questions a good way to get everyone nice and horned up (trust me, it’s basically verbal foreplay), but it’s also a great way to get to know a new partner or deepen your bond with a current one—no matter how long you’ve been together. “Asking your partner intimate questions will give you information to enhance your sex life,” says sex therapist Laurie Mintz, PhD, a sex expert for Lelo and author of Becoming Cliterate and A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex. “It will help you learn what your partner finds erotic, and will also help you share the same.”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Communication is key when it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship—and, yes, that includes a healthy sex life. Yes, we’ve all heard it a thousand times, but it’s simply the damn truth. As sexologist Jess O’Reilly, PhD, a sex and relationships expert for Womanizer, explains, “Ongoing communication improves understanding, deepens connection, and leads to hotter sex.” All good things, no?
Of course, we all know that talking is hard. And talking about sex can be even harder—especially with someone new or when your sex life is not exactly thriving and vibing. One easy way to take some of the pressure off and get the conversation rolling? Trading sexy questions with your partner. It basically turns what might otherwise feel like relationship homework into a game—one you can play in person, over the phone, or via text (in what will almost definitely turn into a steamy sexting sesh, JFYI).
Not only can sharing sexy questions make it easier to loosen up and start talking ~intimately~, but it can also open the door to bigger (v important!) discussions about boundaries, desires, fantasies, and even sexual health and safety. “When you ask questions that lead to meaningful conversations, you’ll better understand not only what your partner is into, but why they may be drawn to specific acts, fantasies, scenarios, and feelings,” says O’Reilly. In short, these Qs hold the key to a whole bunch of super crucial info you should know and understand about a partner in order to co-create the healthy, horny sex life of your dreams. Hence why we went ahead and came up with 150 (no more, no less!) sexy questions to ask your partner. Whether you’re looking to sexually sus out a new fling, connect more deeply with your current person, or turn up the heat with a little verbal foreplay, these sexy sex questions are bound to get you and your partner talking (and probably more than *just* talking, if you catch our drift).
1. Have you ever had a threesome?
Sure, this question can be answered with a “yes” or a “no,” but let me assure you, it’s never that simple. Posing this Q to your partner this can help you gauge whether they a) have had a threesome, b) would be interested in having a threesome in the future, and c) had a poor experience having a threesome. It opens up the conversation for lots of follow-up like “How was that threesome initiated?”, “Do you ever fantasize about having a threesome with me?”, and “Do you prefer MMF or FFM or FFF or MMM or what?”
2. Do you have any fetishes?
Unfortunately, there’s still quite a bit of (totally BS) shame and stigma surrounding kinks and fetishes. This question is a great way to let your partner know they’re in the judgment-free zone when it comes to sharing their not-so-vanilla proclivities.
These labels are typically used in queer sex and/or kink dynamics to denote whether someone likes to penetrate/dominate (top) or be penetrated/dominated (bottom). “Vers,” which is interchangeable with “switch” in Dom/sub dynamics, refers to someone who is interested in both roles. Ironing out everyone’s preferred roles is definitely important if queer and/or kinky sex is potentially on the menu!
4. What’s a weird thing that makes you horny?
Not in any kind of kink-shamey way where weird = bad, obvs. I’m talking quirky- and/or unexpected-weird. What random, not particularly sexy TV show did you masturbate to the other day? Do you always get horny on the bus (hi, it’s me). Does discussing some obscure philosophical concept or a niche genre of erotic fan fiction do it for you? That kinda thing.
5. What’s a non-sexual body part that turns you on?
Yes, we all know about the standard erogenous zones. But in case you missed it, pretty much any part of the body can be an arousal trigger. (Ahem, ever heard of a philtrum?) Ask them to spill their secret, unexpected hot spots and unlock a whole new way to turn them on.
6. How often do you masturbate?
I cannot stress this enough: You should feel comfortable talking about masturbation with your partner! It shouldn’t be some weird, awkward secret! Solo play is a *huge* part of most people’s sex lives, so if you’re also part of that person’s sex life, it should be something you can be open about. Not only can this Q provide a peek into what your person is packing in terms of their sex drive, but it’s also just kinda fun to compare notes. Do they rub one out every night before bed or every morning when they wake up like clockwork? Do they wait for the mood to strike? Only one way to find out!
7. Can I watch you touch yourself?
Watching a partner get themselves off can be extremely hot—and extremely educational. It’s basically a personal tutorial on how they like to be touched. This question alone can be a huge turn on, especially if your person has an exhibitionist streak.
8. Do you want to watch me touch myself?
All of the above, but, you know, vice versa.
9. What’s a technically non-sexual thing that turns you on?
I like to call these, “vanilla kinks.” A few of mine: when guys leave their glasses on during sex, prominent Adam’s apples, and guys who wear necklaces (preferably of the religious variety) under their clothes. These weird little sexual quirks are basically the sprinkles on the ice cream sundae that is our unique sexual makeup, and they’re often pretty damn endearing, BTW.
10. How do you feel your relationship to your sexuality has evolved since you started having sex?
Not to sound all cliche or whatever, but our sex lives and sexual identities are a journey. Chances are, your relationship to sex and to yourself as a sexual being has probably changed significantly since your first hookup in your high school boyfriend’s car. Views change, attitudes change, turn-ons and kinks change, and this question can help provide a window into who your partner is in bed today, and how they got that way.
11. Does voyeurism turn you on?
“Voyeurism is getting sexual excitement from watching others when they are naked or engaging in sex acts,” Jill McDevitt, PhD, CalExotics sexologist, previously told Cosmopolitan. This could look like enjoying seeing your partner masturbate in front of you, wanting to see your partner with another person, wanting to “look, but don’t touch” while your partner is in the shower, etc. Asking your partner how they feel about watching can help you see whether this is something you’d like to explore together in the future.
12. Does exhibitionism turn you on?
Now to the flip side of voyeurism: exhibitionism. Clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon, sexuality and relationship expert for SexToyCollective.com, previously told Cosmopolitan that “exhibitionism is a sexual kink in which the person feels sexual arousal at the idea or reality of being seen naked or engaged in sexual activities by others.” Maybe you didn’t know there was an actual word for enjoying being the center of attention or thriving off of your partner’s horniness, but there is—and it’s v common.
13. What’s one myth about sex…