62 Thoughts I Had While Watching ‘Mother of the Bride’ on Netflix

There’s nothing that I love more than a rom-com, particularly one that’s (gasp!) based on an original idea rather than preexisting IP. That seems to be the case with the new Netflix movie Mother of the Bride, which stars Miranda Cosgrove as a newly engaged woman, Brooke Shields as her mother, and Benjamin Bratt as the groom’s dad, who just happens to be Brooke’s ex. Honestly, at first I grimly assumed it was a Father of the Bride spinoff, but I was pleased to be proven wrong. (Plus, one of those already exists.)

Let’s dive in and see what this thing can do, shall we? Below, find every thought I had while watching Mother of the Bride:

1. Aw, Miranda Cosgrove!
2. She really has looked the same her entire life.
3. Hey, Miranda’s movie name is Emma! One could argue that that’s also my name!
4. Miranda and her BF are officially engaged, thus promoting him to her future groom, whom I will simply call Groom.
5. We’re in San Francisco (gotta love that Golden Gate Bridge establishing shot), and we’re also establishing Brooke Shields as a cutting-edge research scientist studying something called “tumorigenic mechanisms,” which I refuse to google.
6. Love Miranda, don’t love her tiny little shirt. (And don’t get me wrong, I’m the world’s biggest crop top fan, but this just looks like a regular shirt that…shrunk?)
7. Brooke looks good.
8. Should I get Fraxel?
9. Anyway, Miranda’s been in London doing some kind of internship, and now she wants to turn her lifestyle Instagram into a…business?
10. Crazier things have happened, I suppose.
11. Brooke wants Miranda to move in, but unfortunately Miranda is planning to live with Groom. Mom is less than thrilled.
12. The wedding’s being fully paid for by the brand that Miranda is brand-ambassador-ing for, and it’s in Thailand. Chic!
13. Aw, Miranda’s dad died (I think?).
14. Hell yeah, bikini-montage traveling sequence.
15. Hey, it’s that blond actress I can never place, wearing a tropical-print two-piece outfit that I can’t say I’m staunchly in favor of.
16. OMG, it’s Wilson Cruz, a.k.a. Rickie Vasquez from My So-Called Life!
17. Brooke knows Wilson and his husband from college, and so does…Groom’s dad Benjamin Bratt, who appears to be Brooke’s ex?
18. Side note: Benjamin Bratt looks good with a little gray in his beard.
19. Mmm, good, some uncomfortable ethnic jokes about “Latin men,” right on schedule.
20. I’m pissed off about how pretty Brooke looks with wet hair, since the same look on me is giving more “shipwreck victim.”
21. Immediate adorkable run-in between Brooke and a nude Benjamin Bratt, also right on schedule.
22. God, I want to swim drunk in that pool.
23. Oop, looks like the college relationship between Brooke and BB (Benjamin Bratt) was more intense than Brooke was initially letting on.
24. He ghosted her! Before we even had a term for it!
25. Oh, wait, she ghosted him.
26. Can I say something controversial? Parents simply shouldn’t give wedding toasts. One friend per partner (who mentions both newlyweds in their speech; it drives me crazy when only one person is referenced!), and that’s a wrap.
27. I hate Groom’s polo shirt.
28. Oh, shit, BB gives Miranda and Groom a full-on condo in Tribeca as an engagement gift.
29. The world’s second hot blond guy is giving Brooke the eye.
30. (If you’re curious, the world’s first hot blond guy was Mike Faist in Challengers.)
31. Brooke is pissed that Miranda is basically farming out her entire wedding to some HBIC from her brand, but personally, that sounds like the dream nuptial scenario to me.
32. Mixed doubles sequence! Also a great opportunity for my second Challengers reference of this recap!
33. The blond guy is actually a recruiter trying to steal Brooke to come work with him (in some…branch of science?) in Los Angeles. Do it, girl! LA’s the best! I’m drinking a Kendall Jenner Erewhon smoothie as I write this!
34. Obsessed with Brooke’s sister drinking a mai tai on the tennis court.
35. Man, Brooke’s green mud mask is…chunky.
36. Had I been the makeup supervisor, I might have chosen a mask that wasn’t so reminiscent of gazpacho, but that’s just me.
37. Here is my earnest promise to my loved ones: I will never force you to “learn a dance” for my wedding.
38. Brooke and BB are slow-dancing, as one does.
39. Damn, I love Brooke’s hair a little curly!
40. BB piano solo!
41. Wow, now even Brooke and the bridesmaids have to be #brand-dressed.
42. Again, this sounds fine to me (who wants to shop for a freaking bridesmaid’s dress?), but whatever.
43. Oh, God, they’re live-streaming all the wedding events, which is definitely where this fictional brand would lose me were I their influencer. (I think I’ll just continue to be no one’s influencer.)
44. Tipsy beach swim time! Respect.
45. Okay, why the hell would this brand be doing a shoot at night? In a pool?
46. The Brooke-BB breakup is starting to freak out Miranda and Groom, but he correctly reminds her that he’s not his dad.
47. Ugh, could really live without this “You’re the sun, you’re the moon, you’re the stars” speech from Groom, who sounds a little ran-through!
48. The grown-ups are in trouble for skinny-dipping on what they thought was a private beach. Life’s rough.
49. Brooke calls her daughter out for being too influencer-y, and they have a big fight.
50. Hearing a mom yell “EMMA!” in furious tones still makes me look up in alarm at the age of 30, apparently.
51. Brooke and BB get stuck at a little beach without cell reception, and they’re very late for some wedding event or other. (Listen, I have to use my “remembering what’s happening with the wedding” energy for my actual, IRL friends’ weddings this summer. Don’t ask me to keep up with what’s going on in the Brooke Shields-iverse.)
52. Believe it or not, things at the secluded beach have turned sexy.
53. Brooke bails on the blond guy and he politely dumps her, but sort of leaves the door open in case she breaks up with BB.
54. OMG, is BB cheating with some girl named Katrina?
55. Wedding-prep montage time!
56. Aw, Brooke gives a sweet speech at the rehearsal dinner.
57. Still, I stand by my assessment about parents not giving toasts.
58. Awwww, mother-daughter sleepover that reminds me a lot of when my mom made me finally watch Casablanca before I left for college and we both fell asleep on the couch.
59. Wedding accomplished, despite some huge meltdown vibes from Brooke!
60. Okay, Katrina turns out to be BB’s long-suffering personal assistant.
61. Brooke and BB are together, yay.
62. In my opinion, though, a guy calling his assistant too much is just as much of a red flag as cheating. Whatever it is, do it yourself, dude!