When it comes to affairs of the heart, we are all beginners. Some of us, however, at least speak with authority. Introducing Shon Faye, author of The Transgender Issue (2021) and the forthcoming Love in Exile (2025), whose advice caught our eye. Contact her at DearShonVogue@gmail.com for your own chance at enlightenment.
Dear Shon,
Over the past few years, I have drifted away from a friend I once thought of as my closest friend. She has repeatedly ghosted me, flaked on meetings, and been difficult to contact. She has blamed the distance on my not being supportive of her relationship with a new partner. This new partner came into her life when she was still with her old partner, and I did find the crossover difficult, but I tried hard to be non-judgemental about it. I did once tell her I didn’t think her new relationship—so soon after her last one—might not be the best idea, which she responded to defensively. After that I heard from her very sporadically.
Last year, she moved cities and told me by text after the fact, which was very hurtful to me. I told her, at which point she made excuses about “other stuff going on” and the move being very sudden. Although our friendship had not been close for some time, I would have still let her know if I was so much as planning to move away, even if it was just by text. She has not replied to that last message—it has now been about four months.
We are due to be bridesmaids together at a wedding of a close mutual friend at the end of the year. I know the friend has been very stressed with wedding planning, and I want her to know that whatever conflict exists, it will not impact her wedding. However, I’m worried that my emotions will flare up the next time I see my friend, which will likely be at the wedding.
Do I reach out to my estranged friend before the wedding to see if we can meet? Would it achieve anything? Is my idea that our friendship might wax and wane and one day return in a new form unrealistic?