We’ve talked a lot about how America’s garbage infrastructure is negatively impacting our lives, but we’ve never really covered the fact that all of these places for cars have been taking up valuable real estate that could be used for Hooters locations. I know what you’re thinking: “Andy, there are already 430+ Hooters locations according to Wikipedia, surely there isn’t room for any more.” Well, reader, you’re wrong. Dead wrong. All we’ve got to do is get rid of our useless parking lots and highways.
I’ll be honest, even though I wanted a Hooter-ssance, I never really considered where those locations would go. However, I stumbled across this wonderful TikTok from luke_strickler simply called “Car culture is ruining america.” As a car guy, I was already interested. Then I clicked, and a whole new world opened up.
Luke starts by saying that if we remove just one (1) parking lot from the California coastline, that right there is enough room for a new Hooters, but it doesn’t stop there. You got rid of the parking lot, which means you can get rid of the highway leading to it. That gives you enough room to add at least two or three more Hooters. Like where this is going? I know I do.
Don’t worry babe, we’re not done yet. See all those people just milling about? The ones Luke says probably drove there in cars? Kick their asses out. That’ll give you enough room for — get this — a combination Hooters-Buca Di Beppo-Hooters. It’s brilliant, isn’t it?
Folks, this isn’t the America we want; it’s the America we deserve. Any presidential candidate who runs on the platform of “get rid of car shit and put Hooters everywhere” will end up with poll numbers that look like the Jeb(!) meme.