I often felt incomplete. I still feel that way at some level — though I’m trying to rid myself of this thought process — despite years of research and advocacy for sex positivity for all sexual orientations, the ace [or asexual, which is a label people use to describe themselves if they experience no sexual attraction towards any gender] spectrum included. Like I was frigid or a prude or not daring enough because I didn’t feel horny. And so I tried multiple sexual partners and positions but kept feeling worse about myself and hating my body even more. It was affecting my academics and self-esteem, and so I decided to seek help.
Growing up, I was someone who wasn’t made to feel beautiful, or desired, and this was especially jarring in my adolescence. The trope of the “cool, hypersexual woman” or “manic pixie dream girl” was something that was fed to me as desirable. Seeking external validation, I tried to live up to that trope, and hated my body for not living up to it, for the longest time.
Sex for me now is a choice. I realized there was nothing fundamentally wrong with my body unless I was dissatisfied with my libido. I’m in the process of making peace with the fact that I do have low libido outside of a relationship. I’m conditioning myself to abide by the “you do you, what goes on between your legs isn’t anyone’s business” school of thought.
Niko, 25, United Kingdom
I always thought I had a high libido when I was 17 but thinking back, I realized it was only because I was trying to please my boyfriend at the time. I’d stay with him 2-4 days a week and we’d have sex 5-7 times a day, like it had become a routine. I am shocked now that I was able to have sex that many times in a day!
I have been with my current partner for the past two years and we don’t have sex that often. I have experienced dips in arousal but I am not sure if it’s because of the long distance relationship or if I am just chronically stressed. I moved to a new country, as an immigrant, and I’m trying to establish my career and juggle my finances.
I always find my relationship with pleasure odd. It’s also possible that my PCOS is one of the reasons for my low libido. I go without sex for weeks and this has been the case more recently, over the last 1-1.5 years.
I also very very very rarely feel the need to masturbate. I almost never do it. My libido fluctuates a lot depending on my mental health. So, when I have better days I orgasm quicker or want sex or initiate it a lot more. But those days are rare. It doesn’t bother me anymore and I have never really tried to fix it.
Lacey, 30, Indiana
I’ve experienced low libido for about five years, though it’s been interspersed with periods of what I’d call hypersexuality, though I have not been formally diagnosed. I’ve had an ongoing bout of low libido since fall 2022, which started around the time I started antidepressants.
I can orgasm but I have no desire to. I haven’t masturbated in months and it doesn’t really bother me. Occasionally I get sexually aroused but it is fleeting. I know my low libido is because of my medication but I also have never felt like this was something I needed to “fix.” I am totally fine in this asexual period (for lack of a better term) of my life.
Aura, 27, New York
When I was young, I was sexually assaulted by my neighbor. I still have vivid memories of it. I work with an ob-gyn to deal with the effect of the assault of my pelvic floor. They were incredibly validating and encouraged me to start pelvic floor therapy. However, schooling demands got in the way and I discontinued it after session three.
But I started paying attention to my “levels of libido” once I started using tools such as the pelvic wand as part of my therapy. There is a part of me that struggles with intimacy so that makes it difficult to orgasm during penetration or being touched by my partner. I learned that I prefer oral sex or mutual masturbation to vaginal penetration, because [the penetration is] when my libido dies down. And I do well when I am touching myself.