I experienced a difficult breakup at the end of 2019, and just as I was trying to heal from that, the COVID lockdown happened. While I’ve heard stories of people having cute encounters during the pandemic like Zoom dates and masked walks, the fear of possibly getting infected and dying really dampened my desire for any kind of physical intimacy. The pandemic also created a sense of uncertainty and waiting, which seemed to prolong the process of moving on from my breakup. Consequently, I didn’t feel ready to enter the dating world again until last year.
To make matters worse, I’m not a fan of dating apps. They expose you to a wide range of negative experiences and disrespectful behavior in a space where you’re supposed to be vulnerable. I can only tolerate the experience for a month or two before needing a mental health break. Whenever I start getting the urge to yell at every person who messages me, I know it’s time for a break.
Even after taking an extended hiatus from online dating and considering the impact of a world-altering event like the pandemic, things on the dating apps seemed to be the same as when I left. Guys were still looking for a “partner in crime” and emphasizing their height as if it mattered.
However, I did notice one new trend on dating profiles. Suddenly, every man was proudly stating that they were “in therapy.” It became so common that it was like the new placeholder cliché, akin to posing with a giant fish. I couldn’t help but wonder if being in therapy had become the new “giant fish.”
I reached out to Michael Kaye, the global head of communications at OkCupid, who confirmed the trend. He mentioned that there had been a 21% increase in mentions of “mental health” and “therapy” in OkCupid profiles between February and July, with a 4% increase in August 2022 compared to the previous year. This coincided with the moment when “Bachelorette” contestant Zach Shallcross gained praise for promoting therapy on the show.
On the surface, this seems like great news, especially when therapy is being discussed in a traditionally gendered dating environment like “The Bachelor.” As women who date men have more options and demand emotional intimacy and communication skills, therapy becomes an obvious solution to address these needs.
But every time I saw “in therapy” on a man’s dating profile, I couldn’t help but feel a bit suspicious. Was this a genuine evolution on their part, or was it just empty virtue-signaling to appeal to what women want? I turned to statistics to understand the situation better. According to Michael Kaye, 72% of men said it was important to discuss mental health with their partner when asked an in-app matchmaking question. Men who expressed openness to discussing mental health received significantly more likes and matches compared to those who didn’t.
All these numbers suggested that the therapy trend could be unintentionally attracting more attention and matches. However, it also raised the possibility that straight men were aware of the fact that claiming to be in therapy or valuing the concept would increase their chances with women online. To explore this further, I attempted to interview men who mentioned their therapy status on their dating profiles but had no success. It seemed that the therapy men were not willing to talk.
Recently, Jonah Hill’s ex-girlfriend released texts from their relationship that sparked conversations about how men talk about therapy. These texts revealed that some men, like Hill, misused therapy concepts to establish control in their relationships. Mental health professionals explained why this was inaccurate, and more women shared stories of partners using therapy language against them.
This reminded me of the women who had shared their experiences with me when I was researching the therapy trend. Many of them had horror stories about the men behind the profiles. While I acknowledge that these anecdotes are not statistically representative, they did validate my suspicion that some men were using “in therapy” as performative rather than genuinely investing in their personal growth and better relationships.
In conclusion, the therapy trend in dating profiles may have unintended consequences. Some men may use therapy language to attract women without actually embodying the values and growth that therapy promotes. While therapy is a valuable resource, it’s essential to look beyond the label and assess someone’s actions and behavior when it comes to relationships.