The prosecution: Mina
Confronting Tom’s toxic attitudes is good practice for my sister and will boost her confidence
My younger sister, Layla, never gets involved in discussions between me and our brother, Tom, and I worry about the impact he has on her. I moved out years ago, but Layla and Tom still live with our parents. Whenever I visit them, I have to listen to Tom spouting crap. Everyone else seems immune to it. Layla often won’t back me up when I correct him. Maybe she thinks that, as the eldest, I’ve got it covered – but she needs to learn how to stick up for herself, especially when she doesn’t agree with him.
Tom’s views are getting worse with age. He’s 28 and Layla is 23. I get into shouting matches with him because, in my opinion, he’s a bigot. He has awful opinions about women and their role in society. He’s also a bit of a conspiracy theorist and had some worrying views on Covid that I had to correct. If it weren’t for me, I don’t think he would have got vaccinated. My parents and Layla didn’t want to get involved, which annoyed me.
We’re a big football family, but Tom has a problem with female commentators and the women’s game. He says they don’t play properly and that the reason they have jobs is because of a “woke agenda”. I tell him that woke isn’t even an insult, but he doesn’t get it. He works only with men in a trade job and gets a lot of his news off Facebook. When Layla witnesses these rows, I say: “Back me up, Layla” and usually she will just say: “I’m staying out of it.” But I know she doesn’t like listening to Tom either.
One time when Tom was going on about how women have it easier at work than men, Layla snapped and told him he was talking rubbish. Tom laughed, as he loves to get a reaction. I was happy to see Layla assert herself in that instance, but usually she just walks out of the room or lets me carry the mantle. I think it’s important that Layla stands up for herself and things she believes in. I don’t think she needs to be debating our brother all the time – but correcting his views is good practice for other situations in life, and I want to see her grow in confidence.
The defence: Layla
Mina wants to make a stand, but after a row, it’s me who has to deal with the aftershocks at home
Mina is really opinionated, and Tom is, too. A lot of his views are problematic, and I know that. It’s just that I can’t be bothered to be the one who has to tell him why he’s wrong.
Mina also forgets that I’m the one who has to live at home with him. She gets to dip in and out of these debates, but I have to live with him 24/7, so I tend to pick my battles. When I’m pushed to the brink I will always get involved, but obviously it takes a lot of energy, so I don’t make a habit of it. I’m also not as outspoken as my older siblings in general, and I try to tell Mina that, but she tries to rile me. She will say: “What do you think, Layla? Speak up.” It’s actually quite annoying. I think: “Leave me alone.”
When Mina came around for Sunday lunch the other week, Tom was going off about female pundits and the “woke agenda” – and I did speak up. I told Tom he sounded like an incel. He hates that word, and it really triggers him, but I stood by it and we got into a heated argument that our parents had to put a stop to.
Mina was stirring the pot a bit, though, and said things like: “See, Layla agrees with me.” It can make things worse. I know she wants to stand up for what’s right, but while Mina can go back to her flat after an argument, I have to deal with the aftershocks in our home, and it can take everyone time to calm down.
Tom and I have a separate relationship outside Mina, and I’d like to preserve that. When we aren’t debating things, we get on fairly well. He helps me out with fixing things, and sometimes he asks me for advice on women, funnily enough. We also go to football matches together, and Mina doesn’t see any of that. She says he’s getting worse with his views, but I think there’s a different way to get through to him which is less abrasive. Mina needs to chill out a bit and understand that Tom and I have a different dynamic. I speak up as and when I need to.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Layla back up her big sister?
In this sibling war, Layla seems to be the peacemaker in the family so she’s right to stay neutral. It also allows her to see the softer, generous side of Tom, which Mina is missing because she’s preoccupied with “fixing” them both. Give Layla a medal, I say.
Adam, 61
Should Tom not be on trial here, rather than Layla? He has some depressing views but is entitled to hold them. Equally, Layla is free to think and respond as she likes. Mina needs to stop taking the bait and trying to perfect her siblings – it sounds like they’re fine when she isn’t around.
Karim, 50
Mina needs to climb off her high horse and realise that Layla has to live with Tom, who she appears to gets on with. Also, I’m unsure arguing helps people with these kinds of views – the edgelords thrive off offended liberals.
Samuel, 21
Layla has a different approach and Mina should respect that. There is always more than one way to achieve something, so perhaps Mina should listen to Layla. For the record, I find Tom’s “opinions” offensive.
Angela, 54
It’s totally reasonable that Layla is prioritising a harmonious living environment over the antagonism that drives her siblings’ relationship. It isn’t Layla’s job to fix Tom. Why is Mina concentrating more on her sister not fighting Tom than she is on him buying into the manosphere.
Hazel, 36
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: should Layla speak out about her brother’s remarks?
The poll closes on Thursday 25 April at 10am BST
Last week’s result
We asked whether Marvin’s girlfriend Lil should do some exercise
60% of you said Lil is guilty: she should get off her backside.
40% of you said Lil is not guilty: Marvin should get off her case.